This is a hard one to post. I’ve been grieving in silence for my dog. My psychiatrist said yesterday “yes, it seems some people are strangely attached to animals”. I wanted to kick him in his balls. I’m going to skip the whole thing on how Scapi died; how she was sick, etc. Because it makes me want to throw up and be hysterical every time I let a little bit of it in. And it’s been almost a month since she’s gone. I had her eleven years. I found her under my car muffler in Spain, keeping warm on a cold night. She was the most loyal, beautiful soul I ever knew. And she was with me through everything in my entire adult life. She was my child and my best friend. I am destroyed. And it’s not fucking “strange”.
Sick of staying up with me crying all night, Paolo decided it was time I was able to open up a little more of all the abundant love in my heart. We went to the la croix bleau (animal pound) and got another dog. He’s a Yorkshire terrier (yes, P picked a granny dog). We’ve named him Mista Foo (reasons will be obvious once I post a picture with his Foo Man Choo mustache).
I know, this is all out of order - I’m rambling like crazy. But better to ramble and write than spend another day crying into my sleeping bag, missing my dog, stressing out about moving to fucking New Jersey next month.
The green card paperwork, the bid on the house - these are outside stresses.
My mom’s pathology report came back from the lumpectomy, not good. It seems she will have to lose the breast. November 14. She is a badass, like most of her family. It’s a good indication of how her side of the family deals with stress to explain that they are calling her “One-tit Charlie” and making fun of her, but taking super-good care that she doesn’t lift a finger. As I told mom, she should milk it while there’s something left to milk. Ha. Ha. After the mastectomy, I hope to be in Nashville for at least a couple of weeks in case they decide she needs chemo. I know my mom will be fine. It’s my dad that I’d like to be there for, so that he doesn’t go to work and stress about my mom home alone. Not to mention, he’s not the greatest cook unless you like spaghetti and grilled cheese or pork chops every night.
The wedding, you ask? It was beautiful. It was my dream wedding, and Paolo’s too. Hansosan took the most beautiful photos of everything, and I’ll try to find a way to post them in here. Also, some of the karaoke clips. Especially Tiffany’s rendition of “You Spin me Right Round”. I think I’ll be able to talk more about the beauty of the wedding once the sadness of losing Scapi and not having her there has worn off a bit.
In the meantime, thanks to Freia and her mom have convinced me to return to an old joy - horseback riding. Coming home with the smell of horse sweat and hair and barn on my skin feels so good. Finding the subtlety of communication with a horse, both mentally and physically is like remembering something from a beautiful dream. It had been too long for me - almost ten years. And I used to be a horsewoman. I suppose I’ll get there again… once I can walk again.
This weekend we will go and spread Scapi’s ashes in Fontainebleau. I hope she enjoys chasing those lizards and spotting climbers as much as she always has. Anybody who wishes to come along, or to send me something they’d like me to read is welcome. One of my best memories of her there is when P and I were bouldering and a young couple with a baby were nearby. The baby started crying and Scapi could never stand not co comfort a crying person. She ran to the couple and stood under the mother with her baby, whining for a lick and a try to comfort. That was my baby.
This year has been full of highs and lows. More lows than highs, admittedly. I am trying to find a way to make it through. I hope you bear with me while I do. I love all of you so much, my friends. And I thank you for all of your kind comments and support.
I promise I will start writing again. It just may take some time. Right now, we have an empty apartment and green cards and a cros-continental move to organize. See you all in Jersey, if not before!