Yes, Yes, it’s been too long, blah blah blah. Well, guess what - I had a baby! Yes, I did. ME! TOPO! A BABY! And it’s every bit as terrifying and wonderful as I thought it would be. Mostly terrifying. I don’t want to write about baby quite yet, but I do know that I owe ya’ll a birth story here, or at least something that might explain my almost year-long absence (fuck, that went by fast)!
I’ll just give you the basics for now: I had a little girl, she spent 7 days in NICU because she was a tiny little thing - just under 4 pounds, but she is fine now - if I could describe her in just 3 adjectives they would be: determined, intelligent, mischievous. Obviously, she’s also the prettiest baby EV-AH.
So, just to jump back into this blog, let me start with yet another list, because… well, see #1…
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A NEW MOM WHEN:
- Now you make lists for every little thing, every day. The list includes when your baby poos, and when you might be able to poo.
- Musak and all other forms of wordless rhythm make you sway mindlessly from side to side regardless of how hard the department store lady stares.
- You have seriously considered putting “poo” as a headline on your resume.
- You have seriously considered putting “bottle washer” as a headline on your resume.
- You miss the days when your boobs fit into a teeny tiny D-cup.
- All of your sports bras have holes at the nipples.
- You cannot help but open your mouth when others around you put food near their mouth. Occasionally, you emphasize this open-mouthed mimicry with a high-pitched cry of “mmmhhh, YU-MMY!”.
- You know exactly what zombies smell like: diaper pail.
- It’s a proven fact that jetlag is for fucking sissies.
- You have made the important scientific discovery: projectile vomit tastes even worse on an airplane.
- You can do EVERYTHING with ONE brain cell and ONE arm.
- (Specific to New Jersey): hurricanes, earthquakes, and freak October snow storms - will not wake a sleeping baby. Sneezing, coughing or a creaky floorboard - WILL wake a sleeping baby.
- You have made the important scientific discovery: dog food and anything-under-the-couch are more delicious to babies than pureed vegetables.
- There is a journal on your shelf titled “Baby’s First Year” with one entry: baby’s name.
- (Specific to NICU moms): You know for a fact that if they put your house at one end of a racetrack, and NICU at the other end, your mommy-wagon would beat to shit every racecar on that track.
January 19th, 2012 at
Hurray ! You made it back… . Looking forward to more poo-lished goodness.