topotales

Yes, Yes, it’s been too long, blah blah blah.  Well, guess what - I had a baby!  Yes, I did.  ME!  TOPO!  A BABY!  And it’s every bit as terrifying and wonderful as I thought it would be.  Mostly terrifying.  I don’t want to write about baby quite yet, but I do know that I owe ya’ll a birth story here, or at least something that might explain my almost year-long absence (fuck, that went by fast)!

I’ll just give you the basics for now: I had a little girl, she spent 7 days in NICU because she was a tiny little thing - just under 4 pounds, but she is fine now - if I could describe her in just 3 adjectives they would be: determined, intelligent, mischievous. Obviously, she’s also the prettiest baby EV-AH.

So, just to jump back into this blog, let me start with yet another list, because… well, see #1…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A NEW MOM WHEN:

1. Now you make lists for every little thing, every day.  The list includes when your baby poos, and when you might be able to poo.
2. Musak and all other forms of wordless rhythm make you sway mindlessly from side to side regardless of how hard the department store lady stares.
3. You have seriously considered putting “poo” as a headline on your resume.
4. You have seriously considered putting “bottle washer” as a headline on your resume.
5. You miss the days when your boobs fit into a teeny tiny D-cup.
6. All of your sports bras have holes at the nipples.
7. You cannot help but open your mouth when others around you put food near their mouth.  Occasionally, you emphasize this open-mouthed mimicry with a high-pitched cry of “mmmhhh, YU-MMY!”.
8. You know exactly what zombies smell like: diaper pail.
9. It’s a proven fact that jetlag is for fucking sissies.
10. You have made the important scientific discovery: projectile vomit tastes even worse on an airplane.
11. You can do EVERYTHING with ONE brain cell and ONE arm.
12. (Specific to New Jersey): hurricanes, earthquakes, and freak October snow storms - will not wake a sleeping baby.  Sneezing, coughing or a creaky floorboard - WILL wake a sleeping baby.
13. You have made the important scientific discovery: dog food and anything-under-the-couch are more delicious to babies than pureed vegetables.
14. There is a journal on your shelf titled “Baby’s First Year” with one entry: baby’s name.
15. (Specific to NICU moms): You know for a fact that if they put your house at one end of a racetrack, and NICU at the other end, your mommy-wagon would beat to shit every racecar on that track.