To be honest, I was going to write about something positive today. You know, happy thoughts. But I’ve got this Situation going at The Corporation, you see, and it’s making it extremely difficult for me to concentrate on anything. The Situation is that I have been laid off… only I haven’t. I mean, they told me I will be laid off, and there have been internal announcements of such lay-off. But I haven’t actually been laid off yet, so I’m not really sure if I’m laid off or not. Or when I will be laid off. Or if this is all just a figment of my imagination.
On a related but totally different topic, when P and I came back from our paper-signing and first wedding frenzy in Chicago last month, I was soooo jetlagged and tired on Monday morning that I sent the following SMS to my team and boss:
“Hi folks, staying home today with a touch of the flu. Don’t worry, haven’t been kissing any pigs. See you all tomorrow.”
And then all hell broke loose.
My boss called to tell me that I could not come back to work without a certificate of health from my doctor that stated specifically that I do not have the swine flu. I kid you not. So I called my doctor. No appointments were available until Tuesday. So I called my boss, and she gave me Tuesday off. Ok, whatever, one free day off for me. My doctor and I had a really hearty laugh on Tuesday, and she didn’t charge me for the paperwork, she just told me that it was highly illegal to have been asked for it.
And when I came back to work on Wednesday (yes, I know - I REALLY should have made that doctor’s appt for the following week!!), I found that as usual The Corporation is not without irony, for the instigator of this great illegal swine fiasco was none other than our corporate lawyer.
I present you here with snippets (she IS still a lawyer, so I need to be a TAD cautious, lest I do anything illegal here) of her hysterical mail.
I’ve been told…came back from the US with flu symptoms and despite this was planning to come to work tomorrow…going to inform HR immediately so that…could only return…upon submission of a medical certificate…
we count on you so that the appropriate safety measures are taken in respect of …so that she would not put whole [The Corporation] staff at risk. Also… send out the communication to everyone coming from the US and regions with the most spread Mexican flu virus so that in case of such people have minor symptoms of flu, they should immediately consult the medical centres and not negligently put other colleagues at risk.
CALL THE POLICE, CIA, THE FBI, INTERPOL, QUICK! BEFORE I BREATHE ON YOU! NEGLIGENTLY! I guess that’ll teach me to say “flu” in the same SMS as “pig” without a full understanding of the media’s power for disseminating hysteria.
All said and done, I guess it was worth the extra day of sleeping in…which I may be doing a lot more of soon… if I’m really laid off. Not to mention getting called negligent for the first time in my life, just for being jet-lagged.
Coming soon on an SMS near you…
Hey assholes! Staying at home until I find a new job. Obviously didn’t kiss enough asses. See you all in hell.
What do you think they’ll say to that?
