Apparently there are some things about me you should know. The Pnut would like to provide you with the following information before we continue our relationship lest it be all in vain. That is, … before you and I, dear reader, continue our relationship, not P and I. It’s too late for him, he’s gone and married me now.
- Clean! And Garlanded!
1.) She is the most annoying person to fly with. First of all she claims the window seat as if it was some sort of right, and just to sleep the whole time. If you want to have a glance outside or just go to the bathroom you’d get in trouble because you are moving, and since she’s laying on you to be more comfy and sleep better, you are waking her up. After she eats she drops all her wastes on your little table-tray and keeps on sleeping; She only wakes up if there’s a Bollywood movie or during landing or turbulence when she almost dismembers your arms.
(In my defense, more airlines should offer Bollywood films for viewing!)
2.) She believes she’s the great bastard granddaughter of some Portuguese king ruling Goa in India back in the days. Therefore she claims she’s a princess.
(Because it’s true! My mother’s parents were from Goa, India. It is well known family lore that one of my great-great (and maybe one or two more greats) grandfathers was the bastard son of a Portuguese king!!! Now where’s my fucking crown?).
3.) She snores and talks on sleep. Like big conversations. When we started dating I though she wanted to talk so I was used to reply. Now I know better…
(I don’t snore. The rest is true though. I have also been known to walk around in my sleep from time to time.)
4.) She hates horror/ thriller movies or books. If, after hours of bitching and moaning, I manage to watch a ‘”scary” movie with her usually she has to have total control of the Dvd remote control…to fast forwards the scary parts (so that she knows what happens and she won’t be scared to watch them at normal speed…) or to mute the audio.
5.) She is a talented climber. When we stay off climbing a while and we go back to the wall I feel like a jelly tight to a rope, she climbs even better then when we stopped. That’s super annoying.
(This from the guy for whom any pile of Dolomite choss is “good rock”. I’m not sure I want to know what ”jelly tight to a rope” looks like!)
6.) She doesn’t like to be called “rospo”: toad. I use this nickname to call her when she’s been naughty or when she did something bad (happens pretty often…).
(”rospo” is NOT A NICKNAME. It’s an insult. I refuse to respond!)
7.) She’s as delicate as a little elephant. With her around gravity is a dreadful enemy for any of your belongings. It’s a strange effect, really…
(Yeah, I’m Chunk from The Goonies. And the more expensive the item, the less time you have to wait before I smash it. Three… two…)
8.) She loves t-shirts with weird messages (I think her favorite ones are “I scare my family” and ” I’m like a f*cking ray of sunshine, aren’t I?!?”. There was also one about a d*ck, but I forgot what it says…)
(It says “Suck my dick”. But my favorite all time t-shirt I ever owned says “Your mullet just winked at me” - you know, for the lesbian bars - but it didn’t fit so I gave it to Paolo.)
9) When we have to go out, and for some reasons we want to dress up, she changes idea 558738758564 times about what dress or combination of clothes she’s gonna wear. Eventually she chooses the same old pair of jeans…
(The jeans are super comfy! Plus, they make my butt look cute)
10) Once, when she was a teenager, she ran away from home with a friend to be caught some time after on the same moment and place by the cops and the Mafia…
(whachyagonnadoabowdit?)
11) She is food jealous. Let me explain: you are there, enjoying your meal (you prepared it yourself after checking 10 times if Topo was hungry, “no thanks” is usually the answer). All the sudden you don’t hear any Topo-noises anymore, you look at her and see that she’s cross-armed, crooked-lipped and looking enviously at your meal. At this point here’s the typical conversation:
P: “what? Want some?”
T: (with the sweeeeeetest voice) “yes pleeeeeeese” (big smile);
P:”but…you said you weren’t hungry. If I knew I would have cooked for you!!!”,;
T:”I know, I wasn’t hungry. Now I am. Can I have some of the EXACT same kind? Otherwise I get jealous and I won’t love you no more”.
12. She has funny looking pinky toes.
They do look slightly like boiled shrimp, but I swear it’s from the climbing shoes!)
As you can see, we have embarked upon married life with our usual mix of very high expectations and dirtbaggery. Coming soon… a list of things you should know about the Pnut.
- ‘Sup, we’re married!
(Photos are courtesy of this wonderful photographer who popped by for a whole five minutes and took about 100 amazing photographs. I’ll link her in as soon as I find her back!)
