Yes, Yes, it’s been too long, blah blah blah. Well, guess what - I had a baby! Yes, I did. ME! TOPO! A BABY! And it’s every bit as terrifying and wonderful as I thought it would be. Mostly terrifying. I don’t want to write about baby quite yet, but I do know that I owe ya’ll a birth story here, or at least something that might explain my almost year-long absence (fuck, that went by fast)!
I’ll just give you the basics for now: I had a little girl, she spent 7 days in NICU because she was a tiny little thing - just under 4 pounds, but she is fine now - if I could describe her in just 3 adjectives they would be: determined, intelligent, mischievous. Obviously, she’s also the prettiest baby EV-AH.
So, just to jump back into this blog, let me start with yet another list, because… well, see #1…
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A NEW MOM WHEN:
Now you make lists for every little thing, every day. The list includes when your baby poos, and when you might be able to poo.
Musak and all other forms of wordless rhythm make you sway mindlessly from side to side regardless of how hard the department store lady stares.
You have seriously considered putting “poo” as a headline on your resume.
You have seriously considered putting “bottle washer” as a headline on your resume.
You miss the days when your boobs fit into a teeny tiny D-cup.
All of your sports bras have holes at the nipples.
You cannot help but open your mouth when others around you put food near their mouth. Occasionally, you emphasize this open-mouthed mimicry with a high-pitched cry of “mmmhhh, YU-MMY!”.
You know exactly what zombies smell like: diaper pail.
It’s a proven fact that jetlag is for fucking sissies.
You have made the important scientific discovery: projectile vomit tastes even worse on an airplane.
You can do EVERYTHING with ONE brain cell and ONE arm.
(Specific to New Jersey): hurricanes, earthquakes, and freak October snow storms - will not wake a sleeping baby. Sneezing, coughing or a creaky floorboard - WILL wake a sleeping baby.
You have made the important scientific discovery: dog food and anything-under-the-couch are more delicious to babies than pureed vegetables.
There is a journal on your shelf titled “Baby’s First Year” with one entry: baby’s name.
(Specific to NICU moms): You know for a fact that if they put your house at one end of a racetrack, and NICU at the other end, your mommy-wagon would beat to shit every racecar on that track.
More to come (posts, that is), now that I’ve put blogging on a list…
Not long ago, the remote controller for our television went missing. After searching the couch cushions, under the couch, the kitchen counters, the nursery and the dog’s bed (because it never ceases to amaze me what Charlie deems cuddly), I had a better idea. Why keep searching around like an idiot when I could just CALL the remote and follow its ringing? I picked up my phone and stared at the numbers. And I actually thought to myself: “What the hell phone number does the remote have?” …wait for it… wait for it… OH, UH, …RIIIIIIGGGGHHHHT.
Then I called Pnut and told him I might need to go back on my meds.
My husband started praying for a colicky baby this morning as part of his latest campaign to torture me with heavy/black metal. I’m pretty sure the title of this post sums up why baby calmed down. After he found some random Italian article about a Norwegian couple, here’s the email I got:
here: basically the baby had a 14 weeks straight of crying madness due to colic. The parents were going crazy and, as all good parents do, they tried everything, even Rammstein they said, with no success. Until they found the right band for the baby: black metal act “Satyricon”
Pregnant chicks should not watch “The Biggest Loser”. Watching a “fat show” gets depressing when the contestants start weighing less than you before the show is over.
General public: if you would like to comment on my appearance, the appropriate thing to say is: “You look fabulous/gorgeous/beautiful”, PERIOD.
I cannot say it enough: 40 WEEKS = 10 MONTHS. 9 months of pregnancy is the fuzziest man-math crap ever perpetrated on womanhood. Spread the word, people!
To the convenience store dude: Not that it’s any of your business, but a Red Bull has 80 mg of caffeine. Pregnant chicks can have 200 mg per day if they wish to follow current medical guidelines for that sort of thing. So YES, I intend to drink this entire can of topo-crack all by myself.
To my mom: I know you had 2 babies and that I will need your help and that I don’t have any first-hand experience. But seriously, sometimes I know what I’m talking about.
It’s okay for girls to wear blue. Truly. As a matter of fact, I’m wearing a blue shirt right now!
Pnut- when you said the babies in the hospital nursery were “aw, so tiny”, you obviously forgot from whence they came.
Nope, that’s not a rotting animal you smell, it’s just a pregnancy fart.
Dear mirror and scale, I think the two of you should find a temp position on “The Biggest Loser”. You are not wanted here for at least another six months.
My toilet sees more action than a two dollar hooker.
DISCLAIMER: I have never actually put a diaper on a baby in my life. UNLESS you count the doll we used in the diapering class, in which case I’ve done it exactly ONCE.
Now that that’s out of the way, let me say that in preparation for baby, I scoured the internets high and low to find information on cloth diapers. Many, many tears were shed and it wasn’t just because of the hormones. In the end, Pnut and I took a local class on cloth diapering, I asked around amongst friends, and then scoured the internet again. We fully understand that in a couple months we may not care about cost, environment or health when it stacks up against lack of sleep, a growing pile of shit and a newborn baby.
But I’m gonna share here everything I know so far, with the hopes that having all the information/links in one place will save somebody else a few tears. PLEASE, PLEASE comment if you have more information or feel strongly about anything related - we obviously still have a LOT to learn!
And once again, please note that this is just what I’ve found out so far - it’s all speculation, opinion and hearsay at this point.
Here are some BASICS on why to cloth diaper. Plus, cloth diapered babies potty-train faster due to actually FEELING wet.
NOTE: In addition to cloth diapering, you may want cloth wipes for the same reasons: health (chemicals), cost, and environmental benefits. Cloth wipes can be found anywhere cloth diapers are found, and at BabiesRUS. There are cloth wipe-warmers on the market too.
Clearing up some MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT CLOTH:
-Cloth diapers do NOT cause more rashes than plastics. Being wet is what causes rashes. However, Desitin and other zinc-oxide or petroleum jelly-based rash medications for bums should NOT be used with cloth diapers, because they hold wetness IN and will build up in the lining of cloth diapers, make them stinky and ruin them. This is a big mistake our moms made! There are some other good organic brands of baby-bottom stuff. Other related Do’s and Don’ts.
- Cloth diapers CAN be used at daycares. Advantage is that since you bring them home at the end of the day, you’ll know for sure if your baby is being changed a good amount of times or not. Disadvantage is you will need to drop off a wet-bag (listed below amongst shit you’ll need to buy) at daycare so they can store them for you, you bring them home and wash. If your daycare says anything about not being able to handle cloth, they are MISINFORMED. Everything goes into a pail anyway, so it’s just their garbage pail vs. your wet-bag.
-Cloth diapers are NOT stinkier than plastic. I have NO IDEA whether or not this is true, so I’ll just take the word of the class mommies on this one. Anyway, apparently breast-milk poo is not really stinky; you only need to worry about stink when poo gets solid. When THAT happens, you’ll be wanting a bidet-sprayer attachment to your toilet; available at any babiesrus or Home Depot. So it’s not like you’ll have a pail full of stinky poo anyway.
Apparently, they don’t work well for breast-milk poo because the snotty texture of the poo means it leaks out the sides of the gdiapers. Also, gdiaper DOES use SAP (Super Absorbent Polymer), which they have clearly disclosed on their ingredients list (there’s a link to the gdiaper ingredient list here, as well as a list of pros/cons by someone who actually used them). Gdiapers lists SAP as “green”. SAP can cause Toxic Shock Syndrome and was banned from tampons for that reason. Thirdly, you have to tear the inserts and “swish” them in the toilet before flushing. All that said, I think they are still worth a try if it’s between that and disposables (at least you’re avoiding the super-nasty bleaching chemical Dioxin), and they also might be worth it for traveling. Plus, if your baby has chubby legs, they might not leak.
Let me say as a nursing student- you REALLY don’t want the chemicals in disposables. Though I think the health risks are exaggerated overall by internet super-granolas, I think especially for boys/testicles (super-delicate, baby-making parts/skin), there are good reasons not to have those parts in 24-7 enclosed contact with all sorts of weird, undisclosed chemical shit, especially since Europe has already outlawed most of it, and considering I worked at a company that made most of it (from petroleum-based products)- JUST, YUCK!
Here’s a video that demonstrates the gdiapers:
So, figure 10-12 diaper changes per day for a newborn. And figure you want to do laundry every other day (18 diapers fit a standard load).
The class we attended recommends 25 diapers to start off with, as follows: Rumparooz x 10, Thirsties Duo x 5, Thirsties Fitted X 5 and Bamboozles X 5. Plus, you’ll need 4 cloth diaper bags. All detailed below.
Rumparooz Cloth diaper (which go from birth to potty trained) x 10
PROS: 2-part system; cloth inserts with cloth cover; 2 elastic bands; snaps and velcro (note that older kids like to undo the velcro, so they recommend snaps even though apparently husbands prefer the velcro too). According to cloth-diaper fanatics, one of the important features is an additional “gusset” (TWO elastic catches/bands instead of one for the runny breastmilk poo). This double-gusset is something to look for in other cloth diaper systems.
CONS: This looks like the best system, but is also the most expensive.
NOTE: In case you have a small, scrawny, or skinny-legged baby you may want to start with a couple of their lil’ joey diapers, which are tiny-sized- but note that those won’t last until potty-training.
Video on how it works:
Thirsties Duo Diapers x 5 + Thirsties Duo Fab Fitted x 5
+ breathable covers x 5 (5 covers for the 10 total diapers)
PROS: 2-part system; microfiber cloth insert with breathable poly-cover (not plastic); 2 elastic bands (gussets); You can also buy “doublers” which are extra inserts to increase absorbency in case your baby is an extra-wetter.
CONS: 2 sizes through potty-training, so you’ll have to size up eventually (buy more).
WORKS: the same as the Rumparooz, except has the poly-cover.
NOTE: the videos say you can put the plastic covers into the dryer but the class recommended NOT to do this to make them last longer. Anyway, they come out of the washer pretty dry.
PROS: can buy liner inserts for them that will be handy when poo is no longer runny. That means you pull the poo-covered insert out and flush, then put the rest in the wash.
WORKS: Honestly, I don’t really get why this is so different than the other two systems. It basically comes down to preference. They do look all smushy and soft though?
Video on how it works:
ALSO, I have 3 friends now how have recommended FuzziBunz. However, the elastic size-adjusting-thingy looks SUPER annoying and not very sturdy to me.
2 Big ones for home use in your diaper pail, and 2 smaller ones - 1 small for your diaper bag, and 1 medium for daycare:
Last NOTES:
-Cloth diapers should be washed before use. Washed AND dried 4-5 times before they will absorb fully (only wash absorbent materials: inserts, doublers; fitted diapers and bamboo diapers); wipes, covers and shells should be washed once.
-Cleaning instructions according to the class we took: 1. Cold pre-wash (rinse, short wash, cold cycle with small amount of detergent) 2. Normal/hot wash 3. Tumble dry medium or whatever the diaper says.
DO NOT USE: fabric softeners, dryer sheets, sanitize cycle, traditional diaper creams, or bleach. If your diapers aren’t as white as you want, just put them out in the sun.
-Detergents safe for cloth diapers, according to the class we took: 1. Tiny Bubbles 2. Thirsties 3. Planet Liquid 4. All Small Mighty, Free & Clear 5. Ecos Free and Clear Liquid 6. Arm & Hammer for sensitive skin 7. Trader Joes Cleanliness is next to Godliness
- For use in the hospital and bringing baby home, if you’re serious about the health risks posed by plastics- GroVia natural diapers (no plastics or chemicals) were recommended. WATCH OUT for other “natural” diapers, as they often counter-dye them with other chemicals to look brown/more ‘natural’ (’natural’ is actually off-white). The GroVia cloth system, similar to those recommended by the class, also looks really good.
- bio-inserts or Plastic, regardless: Poo should be scraped into the toilet before throwing the diaper away. Realize that probably nobody sane does this, but when you toss the poo it ends up in landfill, which ends up in groundwater. So it’s actually ILLEGAL to toss poopy diapers. Just an FYI. With cloth, since they’re getting washed, it’s going into the septic system anyway so you don’t need to think about it.
-Cloth diapers should go in a DRY pail, NOT a wet pail. Again, a mistake our moms made. Putting stinky bacteria-laden stuff into a dark, wet soup is never a good idea. Just put soiled diapers into a cheap garbage-type bin with a breathable liner (as listed above), then take the whole thing out and into the wash when ready.
All in all, what I basically came away with is: try a bunch of systems to start off and see what you like best- it’s really a matter of preference. Cloth diapers are expensive (though ultimately not as expensive as plastic), but there are plenty of cloth diaper-exchange and swap websites (like this one), and cloth diapers on craigslist, ebay, etc. Since you’re gonna wash them 5 times before use anyway, don’t stress out on the used part. Just try some until you find what you like, then buy new if you still want.
Courtney: Got train tickets yesterday!!! We will be getting off the train in Pittsburgh and getting a car–it means that we will be getting to your house sometime Sunday afternoon on the 23rd!
me:COOL! We shall advise the local breweries!
Courtney: Yeah, definitely put out a BOLO
me:hehe
Courtney:Hey you should also put me back on the delivery room list…I might not faint
me:Okie dokie! I’ll need an extra face to punch. YAY! I’m super excited to see you! Are you two both okay to go up and down a ladder for sleeping arrangements? No broken legs or anything, right? We have you all set up in the attic space. Otherwise you’ll have to go in the living room… because APPARENTLY cribs are now the same size as queen size beds.
Courtney:The attic sounds awesome, its a good place to stash our beer loot…and throw spit balls at you from
me:Spitballs, huh? I’ll keep that in mind when my mucus plug pops out.
Courtney:that was funny–i nearly choked on my yogurt
My bladder is a pillow and there are tiny tootsies dancing The Sugar Plum Fairy on my ribs. At least she chose my favorite part of my favorite ballet. All these little twinkle-toe movements remind me of my own fairy godmother, who used to take me once a year for “high tea” at the Drake hotel in Chicago. We’d ride the bus there, and I’d be dressed up in frills and feeling fancy with crispy chocolate treats perched neatly on my saucer. The chandeliers sparkled, the floor spread out in a shining mass, and it was always a magical afternoon. I hope my little girl finds magic every day.
Funny. It’s always very hard to start writing. You’re there, knowing what to write and thinking restlessly on the best way to express your views, and the problem always is: how to start.
So, I decided, to cut introductions and life complications by keep it basic and by starting from the very beginning:
A: Air. Something I am gonna probably need after I finish writing this. Going through the emotions of a pregnancy from the point of view of a father-to-be and, especially, trying to share these emotions with somebody other than my brain. In case you were wondering is a complicated business for someone like me.Air hopefully coming in a metallic box bottle-shaped, possibly soon since I fell I might need some very soon.
B: baby. In case you were about to ask that’s what we are going to have, a bundle of joy on the shape of a two-legged, two-armed, ten-fingered, ten-toed combination of TopoT and myself (hopefully… just kiddin’).
C: C-Section. I guess both T and I kinda fear it. And also don’t approve the new American trend of going for the Cesarean when not medically appropriate. But, hey, your belly, your choice. I am sure I‘ll have the chance to explain our view later but I guess we both would love to avoid a major surgery for something as natural as birth. Granted, if there is no medical urgency.
D: diapers. Holy-Mother-Of-All-The-Choices is complicated!!!! Disposable diapers, cloth diapers, G-(Gee) diapers…cost vs comfort vs environmental impact vs convenience vs availability vs parents mental sanity (sani-what?). What to do? What to chose? Who to listen to…? HELP!!!!!!!!!!! For anyone out there who as the ultimate answer, please share it. I don’t need lessons, comparisons, descriptions. No. I NEED AN ANSWER!!
E: Escherichia coli.According to Wiki:” is a Gram-negative rod-shaped bacterium that is commonly found in the lower intestine of warm-blooded organisms (endotherms). Most E. coli strains are harmless, but some, such as serotype O157:H7, can cause serious food poisoning in humans and are occasionally responsible for product recalls”. This is what my beloved T-positive Topo-shaped wife is handling in class during her microbiology lab lessons now, 7 months preggo. I am saying this because there’s a chance she told you she was working with Ebola, so I wanna set the record straight, and because it’s kinda scary to think of her elbow-deep in bacteria cultures while pregnant of our first child (btw, if this was or second I am sure I would definitely not mind).
F:here we go: Father. That’s what I am going to be. Soon. Scary? A bit but I guess excitation is prevailing. It is super fascinating to see how your mind works for you during these 9 months of wait. You have to do nothing. Just sit there and relax, your mind does it all.
I think I went through the panic OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD period during our first pregnancy, the one that ended up in a miscarriage a little over 8 weeks after conception. I guess I wasn’t really ready. And I feel a bit guilty, to think about it, because in some ways I used that awful experience to get ready and it was only at the time we got pregnant again that I realized that this can be done without major personal crisis. So…yes, I am super excited to be a daddy. I just hope I’ll be a good one and a cool one too!!
G: Gender. A little girl but with light blue basinetsheets. Something tells me she is in for a road of confusion.
H: Hotel. Where I am gonna be living if I keep on leaving the toilet seat up. Sorry folks, just a personal reminder on the hardship of marriage…
I: Isola (la). The Island. Lido, where I am from. I can’t wait to stroll around there with my Topo and the little one, showing them off to all the 10 people that still live there. Did T. ever mention that I grew up in a tiny, sad, remote fisherman island off Venice…?
J: Jersey (New). Where our little one is going to be born. Weird.
K: Kudos. I love this word, don’t you?
L: Love. Unconditional.
M: mother. Or, which is better, Topo-mommy. She is going to be the best. You can already tell she has this mix of love, sweetness and curiosity that will make our little one very happy of her mother. I think (and I am not discovering anything new here…) it’s impossible to foresee how you are going to raise your kid, but the reason I know TopoT is going to be a great mother is because she knows very well where she is coming from. And that’s enough for me to know she’s going to be the best.
Speaking of motherhood, pregnancy and big bellies: sometimes I call her during the day expecting her saying with in aannoyed tone:” I am studying some very boring genetic stuff, what’s up?” and instead I get:
T:“hihihihihi(giggle)
P:”hey babe, how’s goin’?”
T: “hihiihihihi (giggle) me belly is moving”
P: “really? And what are YOU doing?”
T: watching it move hihihiihihih (giggle)
P:Since when were you watching her move?
T: since 9 o’clock this mornin’ (it’s 3 in the afternoon)
Isn’t it cool? Isn’t it fantastic that you can actually see and feel your growing kid moving and doing all sorts of things…inside you? I am actually kinda of jealous of not being able to feel that. Really. I know, it’s obvious…, it’s not easy and it is very, very uncomfortable but from the point of view of a future mother must be 100 times more exciting and intriguing then from the father side. I mean….you have your baby growing in you, moving and doing all sort of shit, how great is that!?! ( a screaming voice in the background: “NEXT TIME YOU HAVE THE BABY!!!!!”)
N: Nieces & Nephews. Both my brother and T’s brother are having babies this year (well….my brother just did). Awesome, a full on herd of little cousins spread in two continents, originally coming from 3 continents…something tells me that these babies will be flying quite a lot.
O: OOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!: It all starts from there, right?
P: parents. Mine (sorry Topo…). I lost my mother when I was 12 and my father when I was 22 so the concept of “parenting/ parents” is not too imprinted in me. I guess the idea of becoming one is (awesome) exciting but put me a bit out of balance because I haven’t had one in a long time. The only thing I have to do, I know, is sit back and relax (see letter F) ‘cause my mind is going to do all the hard work and hopefully she’ll show me the way.
Q: Quality of living. People say your life if gonna change after a baby arrives. That nothing is going to be the same. True, I am sure it is. But you’ll eventually get an extra buddy for all the adventures you have in mind: fishing, canoeing, climbing, camping….I mean, when I was a kid it was rare that my father would bring me to hikes or fishing…but when he did, it was the best thing in the world and he was the very best daddy E-V-E-R!!!
Of course, who knows if our little one is going to enjoy all the things T and I do with our free time…but…chances are (and if genetics actually work the way they say…) that she will. And we have a whole word to explore.
R: REM-Rapid Eyes Movement. Again, according to Wikipedia: “is a normal stage of sleep characterized by the rapid movement of the eyes. (…) REM sleep is physiologically different from the other phases of sleep, which are collectively referred to as Non-REM (NREM sleep). Vividly recalled dreams mostly occur during REM sleep.” . Now, I have a question for all you parents out there. It is known that a new parent does-not-sleep. Ever. When did you start having a decent night sleep again? (If you say: “ when she’s at Grandma’s” you are banned for life from this site)
S: uhmmmm…well…I wanted to talk about that. You know….kinda like with letter O but before this all ruckus called pregnancy (and…well…as a result of which there is one)? Anyway….as of the S-leep…: when? WHEEEEEEN???
T: Tazzybu. The topo of my life (as I never fail to remind her).
U: ugly. Sorry, I was thinking about Berlusconi and this word came out. Now it’s too late and I can’t take it back…nothing to do with pregnancy stuff but that man is ugly and a criminal and I have the right to say it if I want to. How many curses are there in English language starting with the letter U? Ulcer-face, ugly dumb fuck, Ultra piece of shit….
V: vomit. A lot, on the first 4 months of T’s pregnancy. If it’s true that morning sickness makes for a healthy baby ours is going to be a super-baby.
W: writing. I have been instructed by you-know-whom to write something about pregnancy from the point of view of a father to be. I probably didn’t stay in topic 100% but I hope that, by reading this, you get a bit of an idea of what goes around my mind during this exciting period. I am not a good writer and if you want to know more about it, please come to our place with a bottle of good red wine and we can talk all night. And if you also bring some good meat you’ll be my new best friend.
X: I admit I have difficulties finding a relevant world starting with X. After all, how many points you get at Scrabble by using the letter X?
Y: “You’ll see. Having a baby is a whole new level of gear”. To the good friend of ours who once said this, I can now answer: “Yeah, no shit!!”. But, seriously?? Do we really need all of that?? It’s insane and annoying to see how much of a business childbirth and childcare is. Besides the infinite gear choices you have (most of it, I am sure, kinda useless…) but, the prices!!! Insane.
Z: zzzzzzzz ( sound of someone sleeping like a log according to my childhood’s favorite comic book) zzzzzzz.
Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks pregnant. The little girl in my belly, however, measures around 29 weeks. My midwife says I’m “growing a nice baby in there”; presumably, “nice” means “large”.
Pre-pregnancy, I had a lot of assumptions about what a pregnant topo would be like. For example:
I have a few climbing friends who’ve had babies now. Most of them could be seen harnessed in and moving upwards well into their third trimesters, and some of them were running multiple miles with baby on board. I assumed that I too would be unable to leave my climbing/athlete status behind to sit on a couch and incubate a baby.
“Cravings” are just an excuse for lazy people who don’t want to eat right during pregnancy. I’m going to eat the same healthy diet as usual.
Your relationship with your partner changes in this way: now you’re a team working for a third party. This must be incredibly depressing - where’s the romance? Pnut and I will work hard to keep our relationship how it is.
People will be kind to big-bellied ladies- now I’ll finally be where I always belong- at the front of the bathroom line. I am going to enjoy this.
Babies are boring. Bellies are even more boring. I hope I make it to when this kid can talk.
One of the most important things that pregnancy has taught me is something I already knew. When I’ve traveled or moved to a new country, for example, I knew - the key to really learning or experiencing anything important is handing yourself over, mind body and soul, to the experience. You have to go with the flow. Your experience is not going to be the one you read about in a Henry James or Hemingway novel, no matter how hard you try to emulate a fascinating character. Pregnancy is handing control over your entire life to the universe: you’re on a journey, like it or not.
So no, I haven’t been climbing or running. The extent of my current athletic prowess is hiking with Pnut, or cross-country skiing, once or twice a week. I generally make it about 500 meters before it feels like the baby is growing in my lungs instead of my uterus and I have to stop for air. I can barely pull up my own pants and I certainly can’t see my feet let alone tie my own shoes (thank you, Ugg boots, for your laceless wonderfulness) so I won’t be wearing a harness or working my feet into climbing shoes three sizes too small anytime soon.
Cravings? Cravings are a real thing. I’ve been eating all sorts of stuff that I usually disdain as crap, because they are crap. You know that feeling when you’re really dehydrated and thirsty - I mean, you’d give ANYTHING for a sip of water? It’s like that, only you HAVE to have a FUCKING POWDERED DONUT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW GOD PLEASE SOMEBODY JUST HAND ME A DONUT!!!!! Yep, donuts. And chocolate-covered peanuts. And toasted everything bagels with cream cheese and onions and tomatoes and lox. And Ritz crackers spread with Nutella. Oh, did you say ICE CREAM? And yesterday I cried all over Pnuts sweater because he told me we were out of Coke and why couldn’t I just drink juice instead.
My relationship with Pnut has changed, and it is all about the baby. But guess what - it’s the most romantic fucking thing EVER. I don’t presume it’s like this for everyone. Just reading all the baby-forum posts about crappy partners confirms that. But this baby has brought Pnut and I closer than we have ever been. Because, like everything he undertakes, he’s so invested in the magic that’s happening in my belly. And every time I look at him I feel waves of love and gratitude that he is the person I have by my side, and that the little girl in my belly is going to have the most loving, incredible father, and that finally somebody besides me is going to really know and love this stupendous human being who is my partner. And every perceived or real slight or fight or annoyance or misunderstanding we have ever had is utterly meaningless garbage. The only real thing is how much we love each other, how lucky I am, and how fundamentally good he is.
As far as strangers being good to pregnant chicks? Not so much. Maybe times have changed, but I haven’t skipped a bathroom line yet. Also, strangers seem to think that they own a bit of you when you’re pregnant. Like they can say anything to your belly with impunity. You get a coffee and they inform you how many milligrams of caffeine they think you can have. Or they tell you how far along you SHOULD be, considering your size and how big their daughters were while THEY were pregnant. Or they tell you that you’re an ass for thinking you can use cloth diapers* because THEY couldn’t do it. Or they tell you your house is too small, despite the fact that it’s twice as large as the apartment you and your brother were raised in. This list goes on and on. It’s what I’m least looking forward to about being a parent - this constant judging on how I’m doing things. I’m learning that it’s going to be a struggle, parenting without having to justify every little thing to everybody else, and allowing myself to make my own mistakes without having an audience tsk tsk over them. It’s next on my life lessons of momitude - not caring enough to respond to your opinion of how I should be doing it. So let me say now - if I need it, I’ll ask for your advice; otherwise, just smile and nod and let me fuck it up, thanks.
As far as babies being boring? Well, I can’t really comment yet. Other people’s babies still seem boring to me, though I now have an appreciation for why they find them so interesting. You spend 10 months (why do people still insist pregnancy is 9 months? 40 weeks = 10 months, do the math!!) looking at your belly (that’s almost a year!), thinking about all this crazy shit, rearranging your life and body, buying pacifiers and breast pumps all the while thinking WTF HAVE I DONE!?, feeling the baby move around, hanging fuzzy ultrasound pictures on your fridge, taking breathing classes, going through the throes of labor, and it all seems surreal. Then, suddenly - a real live baby appears FROM YOUR VAGINA! Seriously, think about it - how fucking weird is that? After all the mental masturbation: “I’ll do this, I’ll do that, I’ll never, I’ll definitely”, “she’ll do this, she’ll do that, she’ll never, she’ll definitely”… and then seemingly miraculously, from an orifice of your body, there comes an actual flesh and blood and tears and poo and vomit and no more time to think HUMAN. And I’m certain it will seem mysterious to me why nobody else cares that this idea of a baby is suddenly manifest in reality. Which is why, again, I’m glad I have Pnut - the only other person who will care exactly as much as I will!
I should note here that one of the reasons for my long absence is the communion I’ve been having with my belly. I spend a lot of time on the couch talking to my belly and watching it move, poking at it and watching it poke back (again, WEIRD!), and going to strange places in my mind (imagining the little girl in there as aware of me as I am of her, whipping out flip turns against the sides of my uterus, kickboxing, raising her hand in microbiology and wondering why the prof doesn’t call on her). Also, I’ve been writing a journal for this little girl. A journal with with as few boring platitudes (”your life will change”, “you don’t know love until you’re a parent”) and as much real introspective honesty as I wish another woman could have shared with me about this experience.
And now I’m going to go play with my belly.
*cloth diapers: a personal choice Pnut and I have made with primarily environmental concerns in mind: plastic diapers are made from oil (The Corporation I used to work for was partially a plastics manufacturer), plastic diapers add 40 lbs. of landfill waste per baby per week, and each takes hundreds of years to degrade. We are fully aware that we may be changing our minds along with changing 10-20 of these a day, but it makes sense FOR US, to at least TRY to use the smart choice rather than the lazy one. I’m sure you’ll be hearing all about how and if they actually work for us, because I couldn’t find any good personal experience information other than what I’ve already written here, and corporate stuff with an agenda.
At the laboratory, while waiting in line to have my blood drawn. The name of whomever is next in line is called, and a little old lady shuffles up to the window.
Nurse: Your birthdate?
Lady: September seventeeth, nineteen twenty nine, sweetheart. That makes me twice sixteen and never kissed, in case you’re wondering.
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