topotales

Despite my initial hesitancy to turn this into a mommablog, I just don’t have it in me to write about anything else at the moment.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with a friend from Colorado this week.  It seems she’s having as much trouble as I had finding one simple list of: shit you need.  Now that I have a bit of experience under my belt, and, keeping in mind that my motto is “cheaper, smaller, lighter“, here it is.  In case you haven’t been here before, let me assure you that I was not paid in money or gear or in any other way to write this.  If you work it out, you shouldn’t have to spend a penny of your own: it’s all about Craigslist, grandparents and the registry.

Top 20: shit you actually need

1. Bottles (keeping in mind that since I never breast-fed, our house was a chem lab of pump-and-pour bottles):

• Glass: we use Born Free. They are fantastic, but pouring breast-milk back and forth from bags/pump-kits is not fun, so better for when you switch to formula.
• Plastic: Dr. Browns are great while pumping because the small-mouthed 6oz bottles fit directly onto your breast-pump system (Medela OR Ameda), and they honestly seemed to cut down on the bubbles/colic. However, they leak if they are not kept upright… which we found out when our carry-on luggage smelled rancid and we spilled breast-milk onto the heads of some fellow travelers. Not cool. On the other hand, Avent don’t fit onto anything and certainly don’t stop any bubbles, but have 3 nipple sizes as your baby grows, and don’t leak at all.

2 Breast Pumps:

I had three!  Seriously, because after 7 days of NICU I was never able to get our baby onto the breast.  Which sucked massively.  So I pumped all her milk for 6 months, which also sucked massively.  You’ll have to see which one suits your needs; we travel A LOT, so I settled on the Ameda. Just do NOT buy the expensive “bag” they come with - it’s a glorified purse and totally useless.  Each have pros/cons, and here they are:

1.    Hospital Grade Medela: can be rented from your local pharmacy.  I highly recommend this for at least the first month.  They are “hospital grade” for a reason - they cost like $1K new, but are great while you’re trying to get your milk supply going.  Also, you’ll know if you like Medela or not.

2.   Medela Pump-in-Style (serious misnomer): Pros: Decent pump, fairly inexpensive.  Cons: the suction cups for your nipples come in limited sizes, especially the larger sizes; weighs a TON so not good for travel.

3.   Ameda: sold as a “closed system”, supposed to be more sanitary than other pumps.  Not true, because the two pieces that touch your milk the most (rubber seals and funnels) cannot be sanitized.  Pros: light-weight, so good for travel, never pooped out after 6 months of minimum 10x per day use, can run on batteries!  Cons: annoying beeping sound while pumping either a.wakes baby or b.alerts all bystanders that your nipples are engaged, rubber seals and funnels are fiddly and easy to drop/lose (pump won’t work without them).

3 Carriers:

Ok, the problem with being a garage-sale junkie and a new mom without a clue is that you end up with a lot of crap.  I have 6 (count ‘em!) carriers!!  Anything that goes over one shoulder is useless- your back hurts in about 10 minutes.  The “Moby” is stretchy fabric and thus needs retying or fiddling every 10 minutes.  Basically, the only one that made the cut is the Baby Bjorn.  Only advice: don’t get the dark-colored ones.  I walked all over Venice last August and I thought both baby and I would die of heatstroke.  Also, white spit-up doesn’t really blend into black… red is probably a good idea.  Eventually, we got a backpack too, because once their legs are long enough it stinks to hike with the Bjorn- they kick your thighs the whole way.  Just make sure you get one with built-in storage for bottles, diapers, etc. so you don’t have to carry 4 bags.  Another friend has Ergo and says it’s fantastic.

4 Carseat:

Spend your big bucks here.  We got a cheapo one that was “good enough”, but the straps and locking system are annoying and fiddly with a squirming baby.  My brother got this one which is way easier to use; they LOVE it, and I am ever-jealous.  If you regularly use two cars then definitely get 2 bases - you won’t want to haul the whole system in/out every time you switch cars, and it will save confusion (who has the seat/base) if you swap off for daycare pickup/drop-off.

5 Changing table:

Don’t buy the whole kit and caboodle.  We just bought one of these pads and put it on top of a waist-height dresser.  It works great, and you don’t have to get rid of it after a year.  Just make sure you buy at least 2 covers for it, because it goes about 5 days max before getting shit on.

6 Cloth diapers:

We bought like 5 different kinds since we really didn’t know WTF we were doing.  Don’t waste your money on anything except the Rumparooz.  They’re most expensive for a reason.  First off, they are most adjustable, so they should fit from birth to potty training.  After 9 months of serious yuck ours still look brand new, and they are the ONLY ones that haven’t leaked at one point or another (we also tried Fuzzibunz, Bamboozles, gDiapers and GroVia).  Don’t let anyone tell you how “hard” it’s going to be.  Those people are imagining folding diapers with pins.  We’re talking about snaps and velcro - just as hard/easy as plastics.  Just make sure you buy at least 25 so you’re not doing laundry every day.  These suckers are expensive, so put them on your baby-shower wish-list!

7 Cloth wipes:

Also super easy, but I started to get paranoid about the warm/moist environment of the cloth-wipe-warmer (one microbiology class is all it takes to ruin your life!). So we swapped over to these biodegradable ones.

8 Diaper Service:

They don’t offer it out here in the boonies, which is the only reason we didn’t try it!  I don’t know if it comes out cheaper or easier.  Definitely, you should check what kinds of diapers they use - if it involves folding at all, I’d think twice - oragami is not something you want to do on a two inch bottom at four in the morning with zero sleep.  Either way, it doesn’t hurt to try for a month or so; if you don’t like it, you can always still get your own.

9 Clothes:

If you’re nearing the end of your pregnancy you probably already figured this out, but don’t buy ANY new clothes for that baby!!!  Seriously.  People LOVE buying baby clothes, especially grandmas.  And people like to clean out their nurseries and send you vast amounts of onesies.  Strangers may even see your belly and stop to ask you if you want boxes of baby clothes.  I now know why.  We didn’t buy a single pair of socks for our beast, yet the house is overflowing with baby clothes, most of which she outgrew while they still had the tags on.

10 Cribs:

Hit up craigslist; everybody wants to get rid of those $500 cribs for $50!  The mattress, of course, you should get new.

11 Diaper Bags:

This is actually a DO NOT NEED.  They are totally worthless.  Not worth even a penny investment.  Glorified giant purse, falls off your shoulders incessantly, all the tiny pockets and pouches are just a way to lose the 500 pieces of tiny gear you now carry.  Any shitty backpack is better! We have one of these, and it’s been literally all over the world with us (including some very questionable bathroom floors in Venice).

12 Diaper pails:

Just buy a regular garbage bin with a lid that you can pop up with your foot.  ALL diaper pails smell like zombies, whether they cost 15 bucks or 150.  At least you’ll get to reuse a regular bin.  Just get one big enough to fit ALL your diapers at once… because if you’re like us, the laundry will be done while you’re using that last diaper.

13 Pack n play:

Yes!  You want one!  We got ours for 10 bucks on craigslist.  Just make sure you get one that has an adjustable “floor” (the built-in changing table is nice, but not as necessary) - that way you can use it as a bassinet in your room now, and a playpen later.  Because at some point, you’re going to get sick of running back and forth between rooms during the night, and baby will just end up next to you.  Forget the “cosleepers” - you won’t sleep if you’re paranoid about rolling onto a baby all night.

14 Shoes:

Strangely important.  Only ones worth purchasing are Robeez.  Worth every dime.  Everything else is either impossible to squish onto tiny feet, or kicked off by the time you get the second one on.  You only need one pair per age, since it’s not like they’re running marathons.

15 Strollers:

Don’t waste your money on the “carseat/stroller” combo.  The BIG strollers that let you snap in your carseat are just monstrously huge and barely fit into a house, let alone a car trunk.  Just get this thing.  It looks rickety, but ours has lasted us almost a year, including three weeks on the cobblestones of Europe.  By the time your baby is ready for sitting up, you’ll know what you want in a regular stroller.

16 Thermometer:

Get the kind you stick in their ear.  It reads in about 3 seconds, which is better than trying to hold something in a squirmy feverish armpit for 10 seconds.

17-20 Shit we could not have lived without (in order):

1.    These swaddlers.  They sell them in cotton for summer and fleece for winter.  Really, who wants to fuck around with tying up blankets over and over?  We still use them as ’sleep sacks’, without putting her hands in.  Don’t be surprised when, no matter how tight you wrap it, baby arms are out after like 10 minutes.  Apparently, Houdini is busy in heaven, teaching babies how to extricate themselves from… EVERYTHING - shoes, clothes, swaddling, diapers, etc!

2.   A baby swing like this one.  Without this sucker, I would not have any hair right now.  That said, my brother’s baby hated his and never used it.  Again, got mine on craigslist for like 20 bucks.

3.   SIDS monitor.  As much peace of mind as possible.  We have the Angelcare, which works great.  Craigslist, 50 bucks.

4.   Bjorn travel crib.  Because we travel a lot.  If you don’t travel, don’t sweat it.  Very expensive, but only thing like it on the market.  You can take it literally everywhere.  Packs small and light, better than hauling around the pack n play.  You’ll be tempted by these cute little tents for travel, but as soon as baby is crawling you can’t use them anymore.  The travel crib will last longer.

Also, for momma…

PRACTICAL BOOBIES (Breastfeeding):

1.  Buy Nursing Mother’s Companion and read it BEFORE you have the baby.  I ended up using it as troubleshooting guide quite a bit, but wished I knew everything beforehand.

2.  Go see a FEMALE DERMATOLOGIST for your nipple troubles (you will have them - we ALL do).  OBs and Midwives are great for pregnancy and birth, but totally useless for nipple troubles.  I had everything: clogged ducts, yeast infections, bacterial infections, blisters, bleeding… I don’t want to scare anybody, just let you know - whatever seems terrifying at the time is going to be okay; unless you’re the luckiest woman on earth, it’s not easy (your mom who “had not trouble at all!” will slowly start remembering her troubles as yours come up).  I guarantee that you will, at some point, seriously consider severing your boobs from your body, but you’ll get through it.

3.  Don’t let anybody talk you into nursing bras until you’ve been nursing for a couple of weeks- another thing you’ll need to size up a few times.  I ended up giving up bras completely and living in these for the first four months.

Yes, Yes, it’s been too long, blah blah blah.  Well, guess what - I had a baby!  Yes, I did.  ME!  TOPO!  A BABY!  And it’s every bit as terrifying and wonderful as I thought it would be.  Mostly terrifying.  I don’t want to write about baby quite yet, but I do know that I owe ya’ll a birth story here, or at least something that might explain my almost year-long absence (fuck, that went by fast)!

I’ll just give you the basics for now: I had a little girl, she spent 7 days in NICU because she was a tiny little thing - just under 4 pounds, but she is fine now - if I could describe her in just 3 adjectives they would be: determined, intelligent, mischievous. Obviously, she’s also the prettiest baby EV-AH.

So, just to jump back into this blog, let me start with yet another list, because… well, see #1…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A NEW MOM WHEN:

1. Now you make lists for every little thing, every day.  The list includes when your baby poos, and when you might be able to poo.
2. Musak and all other forms of wordless rhythm make you sway mindlessly from side to side regardless of how hard the department store lady stares.
3. You have seriously considered putting “poo” as a headline on your resume.
4. You have seriously considered putting “bottle washer” as a headline on your resume.
5. You miss the days when your boobs fit into a teeny tiny D-cup.
6. All of your sports bras have holes at the nipples.
7. You cannot help but open your mouth when others around you put food near their mouth.  Occasionally, you emphasize this open-mouthed mimicry with a high-pitched cry of “mmmhhh, YU-MMY!”.
8. You know exactly what zombies smell like: diaper pail.
9. It’s a proven fact that jetlag is for fucking sissies.
10. You have made the important scientific discovery: projectile vomit tastes even worse on an airplane.
11. You can do EVERYTHING with ONE brain cell and ONE arm.
12. (Specific to New Jersey): hurricanes, earthquakes, and freak October snow storms - will not wake a sleeping baby.  Sneezing, coughing or a creaky floorboard - WILL wake a sleeping baby.
13. You have made the important scientific discovery: dog food and anything-under-the-couch are more delicious to babies than pureed vegetables.
14. There is a journal on your shelf titled “Baby’s First Year” with one entry: baby’s name.
15. (Specific to NICU moms): You know for a fact that if they put your house at one end of a racetrack, and NICU at the other end, your mommy-wagon would beat to shit every racecar on that track.

Not long ago, the remote controller for our television went missing.  After searching the couch cushions, under the couch, the kitchen counters, the nursery and the dog’s bed (because it never ceases to amaze me what Charlie deems cuddly), I had a better idea.  Why keep searching around like an idiot when I could just CALL the remote and follow its ringing?  I picked up my phone and stared at the numbers.  And I actually thought to myself: “What the hell phone number does the remote have?”  …wait for it… wait for it… OH, UH, …RIIIIIIGGGGHHHHT.

Then I called Pnut and told him I might need to go back on my meds.

My husband started praying for a colicky baby this morning as part of his latest campaign to torture me with heavy/black metal.  I’m pretty sure the title of this post sums up why baby calmed down.  After he found some random Italian article about a Norwegian couple, here’s the email I got:

here: basically the baby had a 14 weeks straight of crying madness due to colic. The parents were going crazy and, as all good parents do, they tried everything, even Rammstein they said, with no success. Until they found the right band for the baby: black metal act “Satyricon”

I am on amazon now buying the whole discography.

1. Pregnant chicks should not watch “The Biggest Loser”.  Watching a “fat show” gets depressing when the contestants start weighing less than you before the show is over.
2. General public: if you would like to comment on my appearance, the appropriate thing to say is: “You look fabulous/gorgeous/beautiful”, PERIOD.
3. I cannot say it enough: 40 WEEKS = 10 MONTHS.  9 months of pregnancy is the fuzziest man-math crap ever perpetrated on womanhood.  Spread the word, people!
4. To the convenience store dude: Not that it’s any of your business, but a Red Bull has 80 mg of caffeine.  Pregnant chicks can have 200 mg per day if they wish to follow current medical guidelines for that sort of thing.  So YES, I intend to drink this entire can of topo-crack all by myself.
5. To my mom: I know you had 2 babies and that I will need your help and that I don’t have any first-hand experience.  But seriously, sometimes I know what I’m talking about.
6. It’s okay for girls to wear blue.  Truly.  As a matter of fact, I’m wearing a blue shirt right now!
7. Pnut- when you said the babies in the hospital nursery were “aw, so tiny”, you obviously forgot from whence they came.
8. Nope, that’s not a rotting animal you smell, it’s just a pregnancy fart.
9. Dear mirror and scale, I think the two of you should find a temp position on “The Biggest Loser”.  You are not wanted here for at least another six months.
10. My toilet sees more action than a two dollar hooker.

DISCLAIMER: I have never actually put a diaper on a baby in my life.  UNLESS you count the doll we used in the diapering class, in which case I’ve done it exactly ONCE.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me say that in preparation for baby, I scoured the internets high and low to find information on cloth diapers.  Many, many tears were shed and it wasn’t just because of the hormones.  In the end, Pnut and I took a local class on cloth diapering, I asked around amongst friends, and then scoured the internet again.  We fully understand that in a couple months we may not care about cost, environment or health when it stacks up against lack of sleep, a growing pile of shit and a newborn baby.

But I’m gonna share here everything I know so far, with the hopes that having all the information/links in one place will save somebody else a few tears.  PLEASE, PLEASE comment if you have more information or feel strongly about anything related - we obviously still have a LOT to learn!

And once again, please note that this is just what I’ve found out so far - it’s all speculation, opinion and hearsay at this point.

Here are some BASICS on why to cloth diaper.   Plus, cloth diapered babies potty-train faster due to actually FEELING wet.

NOTE: In addition to cloth diapering, you may want cloth wipes for the same reasons: health (chemicals), cost, and environmental benefits.  Cloth wipes can be found anywhere cloth diapers are found, and at BabiesRUS.  There are cloth wipe-warmers on the market too.

All in all, what I basically came away with is: try a bunch of systems to start off and see what you like best- it’s really a matter of preference. Cloth diapers are expensive (though ultimately not as expensive as plastic), but there are plenty of cloth diaper-exchange and swap websites (like this one), and cloth diapers on craigslist, ebay, etc.  Since you’re gonna wash them 5 times before use anyway, don’t stress out on the used part.  Just try some until you find what you like, then buy new if you still want.

My bladder is a pillow and there are tiny tootsies dancing The Sugar Plum Fairy on my ribs.  At least she chose my favorite part of my favorite ballet.  All these little twinkle-toe movements remind me of my own fairy godmother, who used to take me once a year for “high tea” at the Drake hotel in Chicago.  We’d ride the bus there, and I’d be dressed up in frills and feeling fancy with crispy chocolate treats perched neatly on my saucer.  The chandeliers sparkled, the floor spread out in a shining mass, and it was always a magical afternoon.  I hope my little girl finds magic every day.

…enjoy!

GUEST POST BY PNUT

Funny. It’s always very hard to start writing. You’re there, knowing what to write and thinking restlessly on the best way to express your views, and the problem always is: how to start.

So, I decided, to cut introductions and life complications by keep it basic and by starting from the very beginning:

A: Air. Something I am gonna probably need after I finish writing this. Going through the emotions of a pregnancy from the point of view of a father-to-be and, especially, trying to share these emotions with somebody other than my brain. In case you were wondering is a complicated business for someone like me. Air hopefully coming in a metallic box bottle-shaped, possibly soon since I fell I might need some very soon.

B: baby. In case you were about to ask that’s what we are going to have, a bundle of joy on the shape of a two-legged, two-armed, ten-fingered, ten-toed combination of TopoT and myself (hopefully… just kiddin’).

C: C-Section. I guess both T and I kinda fear it. And also don’t approve the new American trend of going for the Cesarean when not medically appropriate. But, hey, your belly, your choice. I am sure I‘ll have the chance to explain our view later but I guess we both would love to avoid a major surgery for something as natural as birth. Granted, if there is no medical urgency.

D: diapers. Holy-Mother-Of-All-The-Choices is complicated!!!! Disposable diapers, cloth diapers, G-(Gee) diapers…cost vs comfort vs environmental impact vs convenience vs availability vs parents mental sanity (sani-what?). What to do? What to chose? Who to listen to…? HELP!!!!!!!!!!! For anyone out there who as the ultimate answer, please share it. I don’t need lessons, comparisons, descriptions. No. I NEED AN ANSWER!!

E: Escherichia coli. According to Wiki:” is a Gram-negative rod-shaped bacterium that is commonly found in the lower intestine of warm-blooded organisms (endotherms). Most E. coli strains are harmless, but some, such as serotype O157:H7, can cause serious food poisoning in humans and are occasionally responsible for product recalls”. This is what my beloved T-positive Topo-shaped wife is handling in class during her microbiology lab lessons now, 7 months preggo. I am saying this because there’s a chance she told you she was working with Ebola, so I wanna set the record straight, and because it’s kinda scary to think of her elbow-deep in bacteria cultures while pregnant of our first child (btw, if this was or second I am sure I would definitely not mind).

F: here we go: Father. That’s what I am going to be. Soon. Scary? A bit but I guess excitation is prevailing. It is super fascinating to see how your mind works for you during these 9 months of wait. You have to do nothing. Just sit there and relax, your mind does it all.

I think I went through the panic OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD period during our first pregnancy, the one that ended up in a miscarriage a little over 8 weeks after conception. I guess I wasn’t really ready. And I feel a bit guilty, to think about it, because in some ways I used that awful experience to get ready and it was only at the time we got pregnant again that I realized that this can be done without major personal crisis. So…yes, I am super excited to be a daddy. I just hope I’ll be a good one and a cool one too!!

G: Gender. A little girl but with light blue basinet sheets. Something tells me she is in for a road of confusion.

H: Hotel. Where I am gonna be living if I keep on leaving the toilet seat up. Sorry folks, just a personal reminder on the hardship of marriage…

I: Isola (la). The Island. Lido, where I am from. I can’t wait to stroll around there with my Topo and the little one, showing them off to all the 10 people that still live there. Did T. ever mention that I grew up in a tiny, sad, remote fisherman island off Venice…?

J: Jersey (New). Where our little one is going to be born. Weird.

K: Kudos. I love this word, don’t you?

L: Love. Unconditional.

M: mother. Or, which is better, Topo-mommy. She is going to be the best. You can already tell she has this mix of love, sweetness and curiosity that will make our little one very happy of her mother. I think      (and I am not discovering anything new here…) it’s impossible to foresee how you are going to raise your kid, but the reason I know TopoT is going to be a great mother is because she knows very well where she is coming from.  And that’s enough for me to know she’s going to be the best.

Speaking of motherhood, pregnancy and big bellies: sometimes I call her during the day expecting her saying with in a annoyed tone:” I am studying some very boring genetic stuff, what’s up?” and instead I get:

T:“hihihihihi(giggle)

P:”hey babe, how’s goin’?”

T: “hihiihihihi (giggle) me belly is moving”

P: “really? And what are YOU doing?”

T: watching it move hihihiihihih (giggle)

P:Since when were you watching her move?

T: since 9 o’clock this mornin’ (it’s 3 in the afternoon)

Isn’t it cool? Isn’t it fantastic that you can actually see and feel your growing kid moving and doing all sorts of things…inside you? I am actually kinda of jealous of not being able to feel that. Really. I know, it’s obvious…, it’s not easy and it is very, very uncomfortable but from the point of view of a future mother must be 100 times more exciting and intriguing then from the father side. I mean….you have your baby growing in you, moving and doing all sort of shit, how great is that!?! ( a screaming voice in the background: “NEXT TIME YOU HAVE THE BABY!!!!!”)

N: Nieces & Nephews. Both my brother and T’s brother are having babies this year (well….my brother just did). Awesome, a full on herd of little cousins spread in two continents, originally coming from 3 continents…something tells me that these babies will be flying quite a lot.

O: OOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!: It all starts from there, right?

P: parents. Mine (sorry Topo…). I lost my mother when I was 12 and my father when I was 22 so the concept of “parenting/ parents” is not too imprinted in me. I guess the idea of becoming one is (awesome) exciting but put me a bit out of balance because I haven’t had one in a long time. The only thing I have to do, I know, is sit back and relax (see letter F) ‘cause my mind is going to do all the hard work and hopefully she’ll show me the way.

Q: Quality of living. People say your life if gonna change after a baby arrives. That nothing is going to be the same. True, I am sure it is. But you’ll eventually get an extra buddy for all the adventures you have in mind: fishing, canoeing, climbing, camping….I mean, when I was a kid it was rare that my father would bring me to hikes or fishing…but when he did, it was the best thing in the world and he was the very best daddy E-V-E-R!!!

Of course, who knows if our little one is going to enjoy all the things T and I do with our free time…but…chances are (and if genetics actually work the way they say…) that she will. And we have a whole word to explore.

R: REM-Rapid Eyes Movement. Again, according to Wikipedia: “is a normal stage of sleep characterized by the rapid movement of the eyes. (…) REM sleep is physiologically different from the other phases of sleep, which are collectively referred to as Non-REM (NREM sleep). Vividly recalled dreams mostly occur during REM sleep.” . Now, I have a question for all you parents out there. It is known that a new parent does-not-sleep. Ever. When did you start having a decent night sleep again? (If you say: “ when she’s at Grandma’s” you are banned for life from this site)

S: uhmmmm…well…I wanted to talk about that. You know….kinda like with letter O but before this all ruckus called pregnancy (and…well…as a result of which there is one)? Anyway….as of the S-leep…: when? WHEEEEEEN???

T: Tazzybu. The topo of my life (as I never fail to remind her).

U: ugly. Sorry, I was thinking about Berlusconi and this word came out. Now it’s too late and I can’t take it back…nothing to do with pregnancy stuff but that man is ugly and a criminal and I have the right to say it if I want to. How many curses are there in English language starting with the letter U? Ulcer-face, ugly dumb fuck, Ultra piece of shit….

V: vomit. A lot, on the first 4 months of T’s pregnancy. If it’s true that morning sickness makes for a healthy baby ours is going to be a super-baby.

W: writing. I have been instructed by you-know-whom to write something about pregnancy from the point of view of a father to be. I probably didn’t stay in topic 100% but I hope that, by reading this, you get a bit of an idea of what goes around  my mind during this exciting period. I am not a good writer and if you want to know more about it, please come to our place with a bottle of good red wine and we can talk all night. And if you also bring some good meat you’ll be my new best friend.

X: I admit I have difficulties finding a relevant world starting with X. After all, how many points you get at Scrabble  by using the letter X?

Y: “You’ll see. Having a baby is a whole new level of gear”. To the good friend of ours who once said this, I can now answer: “Yeah, no shit!!”. But, seriously?? Do we really need all of that?? It’s insane and annoying to see how much of a business childbirth and childcare is. Besides the infinite gear choices you have (most of it, I am sure, kinda useless…) but, the prices!!! Insane.

Z: zzzzzzzz ( sound of someone sleeping like a log according to my childhood’s favorite comic book) zzzzzzz.

Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks pregnant.  The little girl in my belly, however, measures around 29 weeks.  My midwife says I’m “growing a nice baby in there”; presumably, “nice” means “large”.

Pre-pregnancy, I had a lot of assumptions about what a pregnant topo would be like.  For example:

1. I have a few climbing friends who’ve had babies now.  Most of them could be seen harnessed in and moving upwards well into their third trimesters, and some of them were running multiple miles with baby on board.  I assumed that I too would be unable to leave my climbing/athlete status behind to sit on a couch and incubate a baby.
2. “Cravings” are just an excuse for lazy people who don’t want to eat right during pregnancy.  I’m going to eat the same healthy diet as usual.
3. Your relationship with your partner changes in this way: now you’re a team working for a third party.  This must be incredibly depressing - where’s the romance?  Pnut and I will work hard to keep our relationship how it is.
4. People will be kind to big-bellied ladies- now I’ll finally be where I always belong- at the front of the bathroom line.  I am going to enjoy this.
5. Babies are boring.  Bellies are even more boring.  I hope I make it to when this kid can talk.

One of the most important things that pregnancy has taught me is something I already knew.  When I’ve traveled or moved to a new country, for example, I knew - the key to really learning or experiencing anything important is handing yourself over, mind body and soul, to the experience.  You have to go with the flow.  Your experience is not going to be the one you read about in a Henry James or Hemingway novel, no matter how hard you try to emulate a fascinating character.  Pregnancy is handing control over your entire life to the universe: you’re on a journey, like it or not.

So no, I haven’t been climbing or running.  The extent of my current athletic prowess is hiking with Pnut, or cross-country skiing, once or twice a week.  I generally make it about 500 meters before it feels like the baby is growing in my lungs instead of my uterus and I have to stop for air.  I can barely pull up my own pants and I certainly can’t see my feet let alone tie my own shoes (thank you, Ugg boots, for your laceless wonderfulness) so I won’t be wearing a harness or working my feet into climbing shoes three sizes too small anytime soon.

Cravings?  Cravings are a real thing.  I’ve been eating all sorts of stuff that I usually disdain as crap, because they are crap.  You know that feeling when you’re really dehydrated and thirsty - I mean, you’d give ANYTHING for a sip of water?  It’s like that, only you HAVE to have a FUCKING POWDERED DONUT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW GOD PLEASE SOMEBODY JUST HAND ME A DONUT!!!!!  Yep, donuts.  And chocolate-covered peanuts.  And toasted everything bagels with cream cheese and onions and tomatoes and lox.  And Ritz crackers spread with Nutella.  Oh, did you say ICE CREAM?  And yesterday I cried all over Pnuts sweater because he told me we were out of Coke and why couldn’t I just drink juice instead.

My relationship with Pnut has changed, and it is all about the baby.  But guess what - it’s the most romantic fucking thing EVER.  I don’t presume it’s like this for everyone.  Just reading all the baby-forum posts about crappy partners confirms that.  But this baby has brought Pnut and I closer than we have ever been.  Because, like everything he undertakes, he’s so invested in the magic that’s happening in my belly.  And every time I look at him I feel waves of love and gratitude that he is the person I have by my side, and that the little girl in my belly is going to have the most loving, incredible father, and that finally somebody besides me is going to really know and love this stupendous human being who is my partner.  And every perceived or real slight or fight or annoyance or misunderstanding we have ever had is utterly meaningless garbage.  The only real thing is how much we love each other, how lucky I am, and how fundamentally good he is.

As far as strangers being good to pregnant chicks?  Not so much.  Maybe times have changed, but I haven’t skipped a bathroom line yet.  Also, strangers seem to think that they own a bit of you when you’re pregnant.  Like they can say anything to your belly with impunity.  You get a coffee and they inform you how many milligrams of caffeine they think you can have.  Or they tell you how far along you SHOULD be, considering your size and how big their daughters were while THEY were pregnant.  Or they tell you that you’re an ass for thinking you can use cloth diapers* because THEY couldn’t do it.  Or they tell you your house is too small, despite the fact that it’s twice as large as the apartment you and your brother were raised in.  This list goes on and on.  It’s what I’m least looking forward to about being a parent - this constant judging on how I’m doing things.  I’m learning that it’s going to be a struggle, parenting without having to justify every little thing to everybody else, and allowing myself to make my own mistakes without having an audience tsk tsk over them.  It’s next on my life lessons of momitude - not caring enough to respond to your opinion of how I should be doing it.  So let me say now - if I need it, I’ll ask for your advice; otherwise, just smile and nod and let me fuck it up, thanks.

As far as babies being boring?  Well, I can’t really comment yet.  Other people’s babies still seem boring to me, though I now have an appreciation for why they find them so interesting.  You spend 10 months (why do people still insist pregnancy is 9 months?  40 weeks = 10 months, do the math!!) looking at your belly (that’s almost a year!), thinking about all this crazy shit, rearranging your life and body, buying pacifiers and breast pumps all the while thinking WTF HAVE I DONE!?, feeling the baby move around, hanging fuzzy ultrasound pictures on your fridge, taking breathing classes, going through the throes of labor, and it all seems surreal.  Then, suddenly - a real live baby appears FROM YOUR VAGINA!  Seriously, think about it - how fucking weird is that?  After all the mental masturbation: “I’ll do this, I’ll do that, I’ll never, I’ll definitely”, “she’ll do this, she’ll do that, she’ll never, she’ll definitely”… and then seemingly miraculously, from an orifice of your body, there comes an actual flesh and blood and tears and poo and vomit and no more time to think HUMAN.  And I’m certain it will seem mysterious to me why nobody else cares that this idea of a baby is suddenly manifest in reality.  Which is why, again, I’m glad I have Pnut - the only other person who will care exactly as much as I will!

I should note here that one of the reasons for my long absence is the communion I’ve been having with my belly.  I spend a lot of time on the couch talking to my belly and watching it move, poking at it and watching it poke back (again, WEIRD!), and going to strange places in my mind (imagining the little girl in there as aware of me as I am of her, whipping out flip turns against the sides of my uterus, kickboxing, raising her hand in microbiology and wondering why the prof doesn’t call on her).  Also, I’ve been writing a journal for this little girl.  A journal with with as few boring platitudes (”your life will change”, “you don’t know love until you’re a parent”) and as much real introspective honesty as I wish another woman could have shared with me about this experience.

And now I’m going to go play with my belly.

*cloth diapers: a personal choice Pnut and I have made with primarily environmental concerns in mind: plastic diapers are made from oil (The Corporation I used to work for was partially a plastics manufacturer), plastic diapers add 40 lbs. of landfill waste per baby per week, and each takes hundreds of years to degrade.  We are fully aware that we may be changing our minds along with changing 10-20 of these a day, but it makes sense FOR US, to at least TRY to use the smart choice rather than the lazy one.  I’m sure you’ll be hearing all about how and if they actually work for us, because I couldn’t find any good personal experience information other than what I’ve already written here, and corporate stuff with an agenda.